advent season.

It's advent season. 


Part of me feels like I just want to get through this season and another part of me wants to try to make it special for Cole.  So I've decided to make a list of stuff I would like to do this month.
I  am also giving myself grace to say no to any activities that feel overwhelming or if I'm not having a good day.  I'm not making a schedule just a list of some fun things I want to try during this month.

 

Pick out a Christmas tree

Decorate the tree/house

Watch Boz Christmas video

Play with our Little People nativity

Go to Fantasy of Trees

Elf on the Shelf

Read Christmas books

make and decorate Christmas cookies

Gingerbread House decorating party with friends

Library Christmas story time

Make tree ornaments with friends

Visit Santa

Drive around to look at Christmas lights

Read the Christmas story A LOT

Enjoy a Christmas parade

Read/discuss Advent devotionals with Ray

Christmas crafts for Cole - pick some from Pinterest

Christmas window cling ons

Make cinnamon ornaments

What's on your advent calendar or December to-do list??

When you don't feel thankful.

The holidays are upon us.  Of course I've known they were coming and knew they wouldn't be what I expected them to be this year.  You see, ever since January 14th - the day we found out that I was pregnant with Nora - I've been excited for this holiday.  We moved into our house right after Christmas last year.  And after 5 moves since coming to Tennessee I was excited to be settled and very much excited to spend the 2013 holidays in our new home with our 2 precious children.

Then Nora died.

Now it's almost Thanksgiving and every commercial is filled with Christmas songs and the stores are decked out.  I read everyday what everyone is thankful for this month and the truth is that I don't feel thankful this year.   I'd say I've been doing OK for a good little while.  But as the Thanksgiving holiday creeps up I find myself caught under a wave of grief.  My heart feels broken and very empty right now.  Tears have been streaming down my face for days and I can't seem to come up for air or I just don't want to. I want to hide and wait out all the "thankfulness" going on around me. 

I decided to ask for wisdom from an older woman I know.  She said this to me:

"The "trick" to thankfulness is being thankful even when you do not "feel" thankful or like anything about your life or what is happening in your life.  It becomes ...being thankful BY FAITH.  The same way in which you walk by your faith....you become thankful by your faith.  You are looking not to what is seen but to what is unseen."

So this year I am trying to be thankful BY FAITH knowing that it is the Lord's will for me so HE will empower me. 

I am looking to what is unseen and I am thankful for 33 weeks and just under 4 hours with Nora. I am thankful for my sweet husband and my precious boy.
I am thankful for Jesus always meeting me where I am and giving me the grace to go on.

via

On Grief

Before Nora I knew nothing of deep grief.  I had never experienced any life altering loss before now.  I didn't know how to grieve or what it looked like.  After 3 1/2 months I've learned a few things about grief.  Here are some thoughts on the topic:

Grief takes time.

I have found myself really wanting to "hurry up" this grief process.  Man, if I can just hurry up and do all these steps I'll feel better and can move on with my life.  It doesn't work that way.  I'm learning that.  It is a process that takes time.  You have to give it time.  You have to take the time to heal.  

Grief is messy.

It doesn't look like the defined 5 or 7 or 11 steps of grieving that you read about.  I really wanted it to be that way.  I wanted to have a schedule or process to stick to.  You will be in denial for 3 weeks.  You will be angry for 2 weeks.  etc.  I wanted to be given the steps and the process and the time table for making it to the other side of grief.  It didn't work that way for me.  I have experienced all of the steps of grieving but they come and go day by day, minute by minute.  I can feel acceptance, sadness, anger all at one time. I can feel Ok one day and knocked down in grief the next.  

Grief comes in waves.

The healing process isn't a steady stream uphill to the peak of healing.  It is up and then back down some.  Then up again and back down etc.   Some days are good days but then one day I can get knocked down again. That just seems to be how it works.  It's like the ocean.  Waves come and go.  The knock you down and you learn how to move through them.  Sometimes you can see them coming.  Sometimes you can't. 

Grief is different for everyone.

No one can tell you how your grief process will be, how long it will take, or what it will look like for you.  It is different for everyone even if you've suffered a similar loss.


I'm sure I have much more to learn and live through when it comes to grief.   I know I will grieve this loss for the rest of my life.  But I also have hope and grace that will get me through it.   
 

new normal.

Two weeks ago we went down to Nora's grave for the first time since we buried her.  We buried her in South Carolina at my grandmother's church cemetery where some other family members are buried.

I was excited to finally visit the grave.  I know that she isn't there.  I know that she is in heaven.
But the grave is just a place for us to go to remember her, to feel close, to bring healing.

And we also wanted to take Coleman there. 

Cole and I went to buy flowers to take to her grave.  He said he needed the blue flowers for her so yes we bought the died blue daisies and had blue die all over our hands.

We had ordered Nora's gravestone a few weeks prior to the visit and they put it in the same day we were headed down.  I was excited!    For some reason excitement over a gravestone and being in a cemetery seem very normal to me.  I guess it's part of my new normal.  Before Nora I would have thought it to be weird emotions.  I would get nervous being in a cemetery.  It's funny how things change, 
We enjoyed time together in the cemetery as a family.  Cole played at the grave and we just sat.
 It was good.  It was healing. 

In November...

In preparing for going back to work next week I'm posting the book I like to read to my class on November 1st every year.

In November by Cynthia Rylant

"In November, the air grows cold and the earth and all its creatures prepare for winter. 

Animals seek food and shelter, 

and people gather together to celebrate their blessings with family and friends."

It sure is looking like November around here.
Today is a beautiful fall day and I'm thankful for that.

fall fun.

In the midst of this time of grieving for our family we have had some moments of fun and even of joy.  At first, I didn't think it was possible to do anything fun without Nora in our life.  But the Lord has been gracious to us and we are a testimony that he does turn mourning into gladness. Even if it's just for a moment here and there these days. 

Here is a glimpse of some of our joys in the midst of sadness this fall. 

 

 

 

Coleman's First Movie

Relaxing weekend at Lake Toxaway

New Swing!

 

 

Pumpkin Carving

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pumpkin Patch and Hayrides with friends!

Chattanooga Children's Museum!

Boo at the Zoo

Nora's Tree

Some really sweet and wonderful friends and family members gave us a pink dogwood tree to plant in our yard in memory of Nora.  We love it.  We love looking at it and being reminded of her life.  

We told Coleman that it is Nora's tree.  When we ask him where Nora lives, he says "with Jesus".  (Although sometimes he also will sometimes say "nooooo momma" telling me that we talk about her A LOT!) 

He likes to help me water Nora's tree and he likes to play there.  

I like it too.  Feels like we're all together, even for just a moment.  

Due Date

It has been a week since Nora's due date. 

The anticipation of the day was worse than the day itself.  I didn't except to be pregnant on this day but I was expecting to be holding this precious baby in my arms.
I look at her hand and foot print and see all the ways the Lord knit her together so wonderfully, so intricately.
 She was so beautiful. 

I've had to and am still grieving so many things I wished for and looked forward to with Nora. 
I grieve because she's not here on earth with me.
I grieve because I don't get to hold her everyday.
I grieve over the sleep that's not lost in our house these days.
I grieve over my car only having one car seat in the back.
I grieve not being able to put bows in her hair and dress her in pink. 
I grieve for Cole as he doesn't get a chance to be her big brother.
I grieve the fall that we expected to have and hate the one that we are having now because this fall hurts. 

This is a painful season.  The most painful season of my life.
God is still God even in my pain and suffering. 

These words from the Desert Song ring true in my heart.

All of my life 
in every season

You are still God 

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

Nora is in heaven and that is my reason to worship.  
 My new friend Lauren and I like to say that our babies are playing together in Heaven.
I bet she likes it there.  I'm sure of it.  I eagerly wait for the time when Jesus will come take us there. 
Until then... I'm learning to live in my new season.  

Sprint for the Prints

Last Saturday our family participated in the Sprint for the Prints 5K Race downtown Knoxville.

This was the first annual 5k to support the Precious Prints Project that gave us this sweet charm of Nora's thumbprint:  It's her thumbprint on one side and initials on the other.  I wear this charm everyday.  

Here is a news story about the project.

 My sweet friend and co-worker, Corinne, found a flyer for it in Starbucks and told me she was running this race in memory of Nora.  Such a sweet thing to do.  We wanted to support it as well so Ray ran and I played with Cole and watched the run ;)  duh, i'm not a runner ;)


Here is Nora's team!

Cole had a blast crossing the finish line!  He ran in with Ray and then ran in again with Grandma!

I was able to talk to the woman who started this project as well as one of the students who is very involved in keeping it in place at Children's hospital.  I was able to thank them and tell them how much I love having this special charm as a keepsake and how much they are blessing families who are grieving.

It was a beautiful, sweet morning to be able to remember and honor Nora together as a family. 

A Letter to Nora

Ray and i wrote these letters to Nora after she died.  They were read at her memorial service.  

 

Dear Nora,

This is not a letter I ever wanted to write.  I had plans for you to be in my arms and to rock you to sleep.  I had plans to dress you in pink and put bows in your hair, to play with baby dolls and have tea parties.  But the Lord says that His ways are higher than our ways. 

 Nora, we chose your name because we think it’s beautiful.  Your name means “light”.  As I read back through my journal over the last few months I have been praying different things for you.  I have prayed for your life to be a light to the Lord, even though your life was too short I know the Lord was using it for His glory.  I prayed that I would trust God with your life – that is what I have had to do this week.  I also prayed that He would hold you in His hands as He grows you and, sweet girl, that is what He is doing now.  You are being held by your creator and you will be there for eternity.  One glorious day we will be with you.  Oh what a wonderful reunion that will be.  

Precious Nora, You are a blessing.  The gift of a child is always a blessing and as I carried you for the last 7 months I was reminded continuously what a blessing you were from the Lord.  You will always be a blessing to me as the Lord used you write my story. 

I will always miss you and look forward to being with you one day. 

Love,

Your momma

 

Dear Nora,

I love you so much. I love you so much, and miss you so much. Your mom and I are hurting because of how much we miss you, and the plans we had for you; but we also have peace, and even rejoice, because you are worshiping in the overwhelming presence of our Lord. You will not experience the sting of sin. You will not experience pain, or fear, or loneliness. You will never have to experience the pain your mom and I feel now. You will now forever and constantly worship our living God who is sitting on His Throne.

Nora, I am hurting because I was so excited about being your dad. I had plans to sing with you and play with you; to buy you dresses and flowers; take you on dates; and spoil you as much as I could. I wanted to try and model someone that you could look for in a husband one day. I was so excited about walking you down the aisle and dancing with you at your wedding. It breaks my heart that I won’t get to do these things with you. 

But I did get to sing to you, if only for a short time. I did get to dance with you, if only once. I praise God for every minute your mom and I got to spend with you. We are so grateful to be your parents; and as we heal, we look forward to seeing you again, when we can join you in worship of our Lord Jesus forever. You and I were both made for heaven, not this earth; you just got to go home sooner. And when we see you again, we will get to spend so much more time with you in heaven than we will on this earth without you. 

I love you and miss you so much.

Love,

Your Dad

First day of 2k

Today was Cole's First day of 2 year old preschool. He is going to the same school and has the same teacher that he had all last year and this past summer So it really just feels more like a continuation and is good consistency for him.  However I still took the token 1st day pics of my big boy. 

the beach

We spent the holiday weekend at Hilton Head island with Ray's parents.  It was nice to have a change of scenery and a relaxing few days in the sun. How do we get through an 8 hour car ride with a toddler?

 Cole had a great time playing in the sand and eventually made his way into the waves. He also loves the pool right now.  

 

For some reason I thought that a change of scenery would make me less sad.  It didn't.  Sunday would have marked 37 weeks for our pregnancy.  A day we were looking towards and hoping for.  It was a hard day.  

 But we do not lose heart.  God is working in our sadness.  We are trusting him to carry us through.  We are trusting him to bind up our wombs and renew us day by day. 

We enjoyed our time together but as Ray mentioned this weekend, no matter where we go we're missing our 4th member. 

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

happy football season

In honor of the first day of football season and the first gamecock football game! 

3 weeks.

I haven't written on my blog in about a year.  But so much has happened.  Really so much has happened in the last 3 weeks.  Or so much happened 3 weeks ago today. 

3 weeks ago today Ray and I were celebrating our 5 year anniversary.  He took me out to lunch (a big treat for a girl that had been on bed rest for 2 months).  We talked about our life and our family and what was to come...soon... a baby girl.  We were excited for our family to grow. 

3 weeks ago tonight we went to the hospital because I could not get Nora to move.  I had tried everything they say to do and I hadn't felt her since the afternoon.  At the hospital we heard her strong heart beat.  I was relieved.  I thought, my girl is ok.

3 weeks ago tonight the doctor could not get Nora to respond either despite all his tricks and did not like what he was seeing with every ultrasound and test they did. 

3 weeks ago in the middle of the night I had an emergency C-section.  I heard the doctor say, she is really pale and really anemic when he pulled her out. The doctors said she had lost a lot of blood and they couldn't figure out why. 

3 weeks ago my baby girl was in the NICU.  She was bigger than many babies in there that were thriving.  She was 4 lbs.  She was a 33 week preemie and supposed to be just fine.  But after several hours they just couldn't stabilize her.  They couldn't get blood into her fast enough.  Her oxygen levels were too low.  She had been bleeding inside of me.  Our blood was mixing in the womb when is wasn't supposed to.  It was a rare and undetectable problem. 

3 weeks ago the doctor looked in my eyes as my husband wept and said, It's time to let her go. I will wrap her up and you can hold her.  I said OK.

3 weeks ago was the first and last time I'll hold my sweet Nora on this earth. 

One day I will hold her again in Heaven.  

3 weeks ago my life was changed forever.  I have felt deep pains of grief that I have never felt before.  Pain that I never thought possible.  I have never felt truly, deeply, sadly heartbroken until now.  I have also never felt the presence of Jesus like I have in the last 3 weeks.  It's something I've never experienced before.  He was with me and is with me even in the deep dark pit of despair when my heart feels like it can't breathe.   He is with me in the moments when I feel OK. He is with me when I weep and he weeps with me. 

3 weeks ago my world was turned upside down but I know that God is bigger than this world. 

"Jesus said,  take heart, I have overcome the world." John 16