6 months.

It's been 6 months since this beautiful girl graced us with her presence for a few hours on this earth. 

It feels like a thousand years ago.  It feels like yesterday.  

It hurts. It's painful.  It's sad. It's beautiful. 

  It feels hard.  It feels terrible.  It feels normal. 

I am full of grief.  I am full of sorrow.  I am full of peace.  I am full of love.

I am angry.  I am devastated.  I am hopeful.  I am grateful. 

Time stands still and time moves on.  

I feel so many things at any given time that it's so hard to describe the past 6 months. 

I can move forward and backwards all at once.  I want to hold on so tight to the past and move on to a hopeful future. 

 Life feels different.  Life feels normal.

It's hard and messy and many, many times I think, why me?

But it's turning out to be somewhat lovely and painfully beautiful

because I continue to see Christ in all of it.

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! 

 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me. 

 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”

even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb. 

 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well. 

 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 

 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

When you don't feel thankful.

The holidays are upon us.  Of course I've known they were coming and knew they wouldn't be what I expected them to be this year.  You see, ever since January 14th - the day we found out that I was pregnant with Nora - I've been excited for this holiday.  We moved into our house right after Christmas last year.  And after 5 moves since coming to Tennessee I was excited to be settled and very much excited to spend the 2013 holidays in our new home with our 2 precious children.

Then Nora died.

Now it's almost Thanksgiving and every commercial is filled with Christmas songs and the stores are decked out.  I read everyday what everyone is thankful for this month and the truth is that I don't feel thankful this year.   I'd say I've been doing OK for a good little while.  But as the Thanksgiving holiday creeps up I find myself caught under a wave of grief.  My heart feels broken and very empty right now.  Tears have been streaming down my face for days and I can't seem to come up for air or I just don't want to. I want to hide and wait out all the "thankfulness" going on around me. 

I decided to ask for wisdom from an older woman I know.  She said this to me:

"The "trick" to thankfulness is being thankful even when you do not "feel" thankful or like anything about your life or what is happening in your life.  It becomes ...being thankful BY FAITH.  The same way in which you walk by your faith....you become thankful by your faith.  You are looking not to what is seen but to what is unseen."

So this year I am trying to be thankful BY FAITH knowing that it is the Lord's will for me so HE will empower me. 

I am looking to what is unseen and I am thankful for 33 weeks and just under 4 hours with Nora. I am thankful for my sweet husband and my precious boy.
I am thankful for Jesus always meeting me where I am and giving me the grace to go on.

via

A Letter to Nora

Ray and i wrote these letters to Nora after she died.  They were read at her memorial service.  

 

Dear Nora,

This is not a letter I ever wanted to write.  I had plans for you to be in my arms and to rock you to sleep.  I had plans to dress you in pink and put bows in your hair, to play with baby dolls and have tea parties.  But the Lord says that His ways are higher than our ways. 

 Nora, we chose your name because we think it’s beautiful.  Your name means “light”.  As I read back through my journal over the last few months I have been praying different things for you.  I have prayed for your life to be a light to the Lord, even though your life was too short I know the Lord was using it for His glory.  I prayed that I would trust God with your life – that is what I have had to do this week.  I also prayed that He would hold you in His hands as He grows you and, sweet girl, that is what He is doing now.  You are being held by your creator and you will be there for eternity.  One glorious day we will be with you.  Oh what a wonderful reunion that will be.  

Precious Nora, You are a blessing.  The gift of a child is always a blessing and as I carried you for the last 7 months I was reminded continuously what a blessing you were from the Lord.  You will always be a blessing to me as the Lord used you write my story. 

I will always miss you and look forward to being with you one day. 

Love,

Your momma

 

Dear Nora,

I love you so much. I love you so much, and miss you so much. Your mom and I are hurting because of how much we miss you, and the plans we had for you; but we also have peace, and even rejoice, because you are worshiping in the overwhelming presence of our Lord. You will not experience the sting of sin. You will not experience pain, or fear, or loneliness. You will never have to experience the pain your mom and I feel now. You will now forever and constantly worship our living God who is sitting on His Throne.

Nora, I am hurting because I was so excited about being your dad. I had plans to sing with you and play with you; to buy you dresses and flowers; take you on dates; and spoil you as much as I could. I wanted to try and model someone that you could look for in a husband one day. I was so excited about walking you down the aisle and dancing with you at your wedding. It breaks my heart that I won’t get to do these things with you. 

But I did get to sing to you, if only for a short time. I did get to dance with you, if only once. I praise God for every minute your mom and I got to spend with you. We are so grateful to be your parents; and as we heal, we look forward to seeing you again, when we can join you in worship of our Lord Jesus forever. You and I were both made for heaven, not this earth; you just got to go home sooner. And when we see you again, we will get to spend so much more time with you in heaven than we will on this earth without you. 

I love you and miss you so much.

Love,

Your Dad