When you don't feel thankful.

The holidays are upon us.  Of course I've known they were coming and knew they wouldn't be what I expected them to be this year.  You see, ever since January 14th - the day we found out that I was pregnant with Nora - I've been excited for this holiday.  We moved into our house right after Christmas last year.  And after 5 moves since coming to Tennessee I was excited to be settled and very much excited to spend the 2013 holidays in our new home with our 2 precious children.

Then Nora died.

Now it's almost Thanksgiving and every commercial is filled with Christmas songs and the stores are decked out.  I read everyday what everyone is thankful for this month and the truth is that I don't feel thankful this year.   I'd say I've been doing OK for a good little while.  But as the Thanksgiving holiday creeps up I find myself caught under a wave of grief.  My heart feels broken and very empty right now.  Tears have been streaming down my face for days and I can't seem to come up for air or I just don't want to. I want to hide and wait out all the "thankfulness" going on around me. 

I decided to ask for wisdom from an older woman I know.  She said this to me:

"The "trick" to thankfulness is being thankful even when you do not "feel" thankful or like anything about your life or what is happening in your life.  It becomes ...being thankful BY FAITH.  The same way in which you walk by your faith....you become thankful by your faith.  You are looking not to what is seen but to what is unseen."

So this year I am trying to be thankful BY FAITH knowing that it is the Lord's will for me so HE will empower me. 

I am looking to what is unseen and I am thankful for 33 weeks and just under 4 hours with Nora. I am thankful for my sweet husband and my precious boy.
I am thankful for Jesus always meeting me where I am and giving me the grace to go on.

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