Relief

It's September and today I am 33 weeks pregnant.  whew! Relief.  

Today I feel like I can breathe. 

I've been quiet during August.  The month started with Nora's birthday.  I was dreading it for a week or two before it came.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I just wanted to have it pass.  We had a plan for celebrating her birthday as a family.  We took Cole to a movie- Planes Fire and Rescue -.  He was so happy!   We enjoyed princess cupcakes, balloons and Cole even got a little present from a friend.  He would tell everyone "I got this for Nora's birthday."
 I didn't know how I would feel on that day. It was hard. It was sad.  I ended up in the bed for a few hours crying; just mourning the loss of my daughter and the events of those days a year ago.  We received so much love that weekend from friends and family who were also remembering Nora.  That meant so much to us.

Honestly, a few days later what I felt was relief.  Relieved that I made it through a year.  Relieved that we were past August 3rd. Relieved that we had lived almost every "first" without her that we had to go through.  Every holiday, every birthday, every little moment that comes each year.   We have lived through each one once.

The month moved on and in mid-August some sweet friends hosted a baby shower for Sam.  It was hard for me to decide to have a shower because Nora died the day of my baby shower last year.  But I wanted to celebrate and embrace this pregnancy and this sweet baby boy so I went for it :)
That day I felt nervous and overwhelmed. And then I felt relief.  I made it to the shower.
And it was a beautiful rainbow fiesta dinner.  It was so fun and I felt so so loved that night. 

(and i did not do a good job taking pictures with anybody or anything so here are a few I have)

Sidenote:  Ray stayed home with 4 toddlers during the shower so that our family could attend!  He is super dad and he is awesome!!  All 4 BOYS were asleep when we got home.

At the end of August also came the gestational anniversary of my loss with Nora.  Nora died at 32 weeks and 6 days. 32 weeks was when I  gradually noticing a decrease in her movement.  This has already cause a great deal of stress and anxiety during this pregnancy but it came on huge once I hit the 32 week mark.  I had a hard, stressful week.  I ended up in the doctor's office or at triage 5 times this past week.  Sometimes for consistent contractions and sometimes for fear of the baby not moving.

My doctors are so sweet to me - they have been this entire pregnancy.  They encourage me to come in and be monitored even though we checked on the baby the day before.  They say that if I need to come into the office every day until the baby comes then that is okay with them. My sweet doctor said the other day "I know you won't be okay until you're holding this baby in your arms."  He's right and it's nice that he understands that. 


My sweet college friend, Nikki, flew here from Texas for the weekend to visit.  We'd been discussing when would be a good time to come and I knew this week would be hard.  She said, "Ok I'll come then."  It was such a blessing to have her here for 3 days.  It was the most relaxed I felt all week. She's a good bedrest companion! So thankful for the gift of good friends.

So now that it's September I am relieved.  With God's grace I've made it through.  I feel joy and I feel pain.  They seem to always co-exist these days and that's okay with me.  The pain of Nora's death will always, always be there.  But I'm seeing more and more joy in my life and for that I'm thankful.  I'm thankful for this sweet baby boy that's kicking me right now and I'm thankful for all the ways the Lord has stretched me and grown me this year.  I'm thankful for what Nora's short life has done to deepen my relationship with the Lord.  I'm thankful for friends that helped me and continue to help me make it through life. I'm hopeful for a new chapter coming this fall.  For once I'm excited and happy for a new season and glad that life is moving on.

HAPPY FALL Y'ALL!